Black Rose Immortal
by Symee-Sama
Summary: She missed him so much. She missed him more than anything, but she had to believe that he was happy, wherever he was. That he was flying, because that was what he had loved to do more than anything in the world. Flying among the stars…


Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing

Black Rose Immortal

By Symee-Sama

_//In the name of desperation, I call your name. A lamentation I sigh, again and again.//_

"Relena," he whispered to the shadows as he watched her make a speech in Sanq. She was beautiful and intelligent, boldly confronting the problems between the Earth's Sphere and the colonies. He admired her for that, for her courage. She knew that her ideas were unpopular with some groups, yet was unafraid of the repercussions that her ideas could bring. As long as she could make a difference, she was not afraid to die.

He shook his head, he would not allow that to happen. He would not let her die. He had come to see it as his mission now that… No. He would not think about his fallen friend. The mission wasn't the only reason that he protected her. That's what it had been in the beginning, but after spending time with her, after watching over her, he had begun to care for her on a personal level. He had never felt this way about anyone before. He was nothing, but a soldier. Yet she could make him feel human, she gave his life worth. 

_//Spiritual eclipse.__ The gateways are closed for me to seek.//_

He knew that he loved her. He didn't fully understand the emotion, but he knew that it had a hold on him. He wanted to be with her more than anything, but how could he even approach her? He was a soldier, a weapon, who had destroyed many lives without a second thought, and she was the very symbol of peace. Besides, she was still in mourning over the loss of – 

He noticed someone moving out of the corner of his eye and turned to see who it was. No one was supposed to leave until the end of Relena's speech. He looked in the direction of the movement, and saw a man reaching into his coat as he stood up, watching in horror as he pulled out a gun and aimed it at Relena's head. No!

His instincts took over and in one fluid motion, he drew his gun and aimed at the man. A gunshot echoed through the auditorium, and the man fell on top of another delegate, blood pouring from a wound in his chest. He ignored the screams and pandemonium, staring down at the man he had just killed. It was truly sad that even in this era of peace, killing was necessary. 

His gaze swung over to the podium, and he cursed when he realised that Relena was staring at him. She wasn't supposed to know that he was here. She wasn't supposed to see him. He stepped back from the balcony and melted into the shadows. She wouldn't understand why he didn't want to talk to her. He had his reasons, but how could he tell her them? How could he tell her that he had fallen in love with her? That he wanted to spend his life with her?

She would laugh at him. He shook his head as he walked down the stairs. No. She wouldn't laugh, she would be incredibly caring and understanding, and that would make him love her even more. He sometimes wished that he could hate her. That would make things so much easier. Or if he couldn't hate her, he wished that he could at least forget about her. She was always in his thoughts during the day, and haunted his dreams at night. He couldn't rid himself of her. 

But did he really want to? He wondered idly as he opened the back door and stepped out into the pouring rain. Did he want to forget her? He asked himself and found that he didn't know the answer. Yes, he was tormented by the thought of her, but she also made him feel whole. So which feeling was right? What emotion should he follow? He cursed softly. He had never been good at understanding his emotions; he tended to hide them behind a mask of indifference. 

_//The night… A veil of stars, watching.//_

He walked until the rain had stopped and was surprised when he glanced at his watch and found that it was past midnight. The sky was beginning to clear now, and he could see the moon and stars shining through the clouds. He walked back to his hotel room, and went out onto the balcony, gazing up at the night sky.  

He wondered what they were all doing? Wufei was on L1 with Sally, working diligently for the Preventors. He knew that Quatre was still on L4, being the head of the Winner Corporation, and working to rebuild the damage done to the colony during the war. He supposed that it was Quatre's way of atoning for the colonies that he had destroyed. Duo was probably working in the scrap yard with Hilde on L2. They were married a few months ago, just before the – 

He cursed himself for his foolishness. It had been months now, but he still had trouble believing it. That his friend could have died at the age of 18. He supposed that it was partially his fault, he should have been there. Maybe if he had been there, he would have been able to do something… He shook his head slightly, gazing at the street below. There was no sense in agonising over what might have happened. Wishing that events turned out differently did nothing to change things… He looked up at the sky again. Are you there, my friend? He wondered. Are you still flying among the stars like you used to?

* * * * *

Relena was confused. He had been at her speech. He had vanished after the Mariemaia incident, he hadn't talked to her, or even tried to communicate with her for over a year, and then he came back. Now, she saw him all the time. She never talked to him, or even gave away that she knew that he was there, but she did know. It was almost a sixth sense now; she didn't have to see him to know that he was watching her. She could sense his presence, and it comforted her. He made her feel safe. 

She's never felt this safe with anyone before, and it seemed strange that she would feel so attached to him of all people. They were opposites. She was peaceful, and full of energy. He was a soldier, and calm. She was sociable, and loved to talk. He liked to keep to himself, and would talk only when necessary. She valued life, but he had attempted to throw his away by self-detonating his Gundam. They just didn't click. Besides, how could she see anyone after – No, she had to get over this. She had to come to terms with what happened. 

There had been a bombing at an embassy where she had been making a speech. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't forget that day. She remembered talking about the new terra-formation project, and then hearing screams echoing through the auditorium. She remembered being knocked down, and feeling a heavy weight on top of her. She had known about the bomb threats, but she had disregarded the them, confident that the Preventors could handle any threat. She became even more sure of herself when the Preventors found and disarmed a bomb near the podium. 

She had been a fool, she had been so sure that her life was safe, that she had foolishly insisted on making her speech. It was important, she had told them, and there is no reason to be afraid anymore. She damned herself and others with her stubbornness. The bomb wasn't in a stationary position in the building, she should have realised that it couldn't be that easy. The bomb was strapped to a delegate who had stood up in the middle of her speech, waving a gun in the air and ranting about how the colonies must not listen to the lies of the Earth. Her bodyguard had stepped in front of her, shielding her body with his.

One of her other bodyguards, a rookie, aimed his gun at the delegate's chest and pulled the trigger. She heard the man in front of her yelling at the rookie, telling him not to shoot, but he did. She hit her head when she was pushed to the ground, and let out a groan when she felt someone land on top of her. Relena knew that she had screamed when flames had enveloped the stage. It had been the most terrifying experience of her young life, and she still had the scars to prove it. Ugly burns, that ran up the outside of her arms.

She still didn't feel that she had suffered enough. A couple scars and a mild concussion were a small price to pay for her foolishness. Others had paid with their lives. All her bodyguards had either been killed or seriously injured in the attack. Many delegates had died, and the weight she had felt on top of her had been her head bodyguard. The only reason she was alive today was because of his bravery. She'd been burned on her arms, but he was nearly unrecognisable, his entire body covered with blistering wounds. The only thing that hadn't been burned was his face, and she would remember it always.

His eyes dead and staring at her, asking her why she'd insisted on making this speech. His mouth twisted into a grimace from the pain he must have felt. He looked like he had been in so much pain, but she knew that he had not screamed or even let out a sound as the bomb exploded. He had always been like that, determined and brave. Too stubborn to let anyone know that he was in pain. She had loved him for that, she still loved him for that. 

She walked onto her balcony, noting that the rain had cleared up, and the stars were shining brightly. They were beautiful, just like he had been, and she could imagine him flying there, amongst the stars. She couldn't believe that he was in heaven, it seemed too serene a place for him, she'd rather believe that he was residing in the night sky. She missed him so much. She missed him more than anything, but she had to believe that he was happy, wherever he was. That he was flying, because that was what he had loved to do more than anything in the world. Flying among the stars… Her shoulders shook, and she released a pent up sob. She loved him, and because of her foolishness, he was dead. "Heero," she whispered, still staring at the starlit sky. "Why did you have to die?  

* * * * *

_//My shadow is born from light. The light of the eye, in darkness.//_

Trowa stood in the balcony of his hotel, watching the sunrise. He had been there all night, watching the stars, and thinking about the past, thinking about the future, and always thinking about her. He hadn't talked to her very often, but when he had, it had been like she could see right through him. Like she could see through his carefully placed mask. 

He smiled softly. The only other person who could do that was Quatre, but that was because of his abilities. Quatre could feel what others felt, especially people he was close to. Because of his understanding, Trowa had stayed close to Quatre, and he was closer to him than any of the other pilots. Duo had joked that they could be lovers for all the time they spent together, and Trowa had done nothing to deny it. Let others think what they wanted. He knew the truth, and so did Quatre. They were nothing more than friends.

He had never felt for Quatre what he had felt for Relena. He didn't feel like he needed to be around Quatre, he just liked his company. He needed to be around Relena. He needed her in his life, even if he could only watch and protect her from afar, that would be enough for him. 

From his first conversation with Relena, he had known that she was different. She seemed to know what he was thinking, and would gently bring up topics that she knew he was interested. It didn't bother her when he didn't talk. She was content with his silence. She understood him, understood that he didn't like talking that much. After all, why waste words when you could show how you felt through actions? 

He didn't understand why some people insisted on filling up the silence with noise. The silence was beautiful, and if they would listen for a moment, they would see just how beautiful it was. There were few people that he knew who would do that. Quatre understood what he meant, but he couldn't find the silence beautiful, he would rather hear a violin concerto. Duo, surprisingly, had appreciated the quiet, but he also found it unnerving. 

Trowa understood why the other pilot would feel that way. After all, it was quiet after a battle, after the fighting had stopped, and you realised how many lives you had destroyed. When you wondered why God had left you alive, after you killed so many. But Trowa saw the silence as something else, as something peaceful and beautiful. Relena was the only person who saw the silence the same way he did, serene, and comforting. 

She understood him better than anyone, but he had only talked to her a couple of times. It baffled him at times, that he could feel so incredibly close to this woman that he was merely acquainted with. He supposed that Relena understood everyone, and that he shouldn't feel so honoured by her understanding of him. That thought hurt, it hurt to think that he might not be the only one she understood, he knew that it was idiotic to believe that he would be the only one, but it still hurt, and for the life of him, he couldn't understand why. 

Trowa cast his gaze down from the harsh light of the sun, and walked back into his hotel room. He might as well get some sleep. Relena had a press conference in a few hours and he wanted to be awake and alert by then. He stumbled into his room on leaden legs, remembering to set his alarm for four o'clock in the afternoon before collapsing onto the bed. He was asleep the instant his head hit the pillow. 

* * * * *

_//Over troubled waters, memories soar endlessly, searching night and day.//_

After tossing and turning all night, Relena finally fell asleep at daybreak. She'd used to love sleeping, but now, she dreaded closing her eyes. She couldn't bear it, couldn't stand the dreams that came to her in her sleep. Every time she slept, she dreamt of Heero; of his smile that no one ever saw, but her, of his eyes that had once held so much love, of the way he walked, the way he looked. He filled her head, with memories. The day on the beach, when they had met, his promise to destroy her, him collapsing into her arms after Mariemaia had been defeated. 

And happier ones like their first kiss, their night long talks, the few times that he showed her how much that he loved her. She would see all their time together within the scope of her dreams and she would never forget a moment she spent with him, but inevitably, her dreams would come to the day of her speech, and the conversation that she had with him…

"Relena, stop being so damn stubborn!" Heero ran a hand through his hair, and paced anxiously around the room. "There has been a threat on your life and we can't ignore that. There may be other bombs!" He glared at her. "You cannot assume that there was only one!"

_"The Preventors have scoured the entire building," Relena replied calmly. "And they only found one bomb. The one near the podium. I am safe, you don't need to treat me like spun glass. I won't break if someone touches me!"_

_"I don't care about anyone touching you," Heero growled. "I'm worried that someone is going to kill you." She laughed at him, and though her mockery hurt, he shrugged it aside. He reached for her, and pulled her close. "I don't know what I'd do without you, Relena."_

_She smiled slightly at the love in his voice. "I know, Heero." She said softly. "I don't know what I'd do without you either." _

_"If I die," Heero began slowly. "You would live. You can't give up and die just because I'm gone." He looked into her eyes. "I'm unimportant Relena, but you are the one who holds peace in her hand. Promise me that you will continue living if I die." _

_"I'll live, Heero." Relena promised rashly. "But try to stay alive for me anyway." She smiled up at him, and reluctantly pulling away from him when she heard a knock on the door. "Yes?" She said in an exasperated tone._

_"I'm sorry to bother you, Miss Dorlian, but you have five minutes until your speech." Her secretary's voice rang through the door. "You should be down there by now." There was a slight reprimand in the older woman's tone, but it was well hidden. _

_"I'll be down in a moment, Clare!" Relena called back, and after grabbing her notes, she started to walk towards the door, but was stopped by Heero's hand on her arm. "What do you want?"_

_"Don't do this." Heero was near to begging, he knew that something was wrong. It couldn't be this easy. "Please, skip this speech, just this one." _

_"I can't let them see that I'm afraid." Relena told him. "If I let them know that I'm afraid, many more threats will start coming. The building has been checked many times by the Preventors, it's safe." She tried to pull her arm out of his grasp, but he held her tight. "Let go of me Heero." There was anger in her tone this time. _

_"I won't," he said angrily. "Not until you listen to me." His grip tightened and he pulled her closer to him. "There has to be more to this threat. It was too easy. If you go down there, your life will be in danger." He was shocked when she slapped him with all her might. He raised a hand to touch his burning cheek, and glared at her. _

_"I am not going to back down in front of the world." Relena snapped, not caring that he was angry with her, or that there was hurt in his eyes. "I will not let a tiny threat chase me away; especially when the Preventors have found and disarmed the bomb." She turned on her heel and walked out of the room before he could reply or stop her. _

_He was down there with her when she began her speech, and stood slightly behind her, scanning the crowd with cold eyes, deliberately looking past her. She knew that he was angry, but he would calm down when he saw that she was right, and that no harm would come to her. Her heart sank when she saw the delegate pull out a gun. _

_She looked sadly at Andrew Millent; she had talked to him numerous times during this conference, and she had thought that they were friends. Now, it seemed that he was the one who had threatened her life. She wanted to break down and cry; could she trust anyone anymore?  Her thoughts were interrupted when Heero stepped in front of her, protecting her body with his. _

_"You must listen to me!" Andrew shouted, his eyes wild and frightening. "She's lying to you all. The colonies must not ally themselves with the Earth! Only the Earth will benefit from it!" _

_"That's not true!" She yelled, immediately regretting it when his insane gaze swung to her, and he pointed his gun at her. She swallowed her fear, and continued with her little speech. "I love the colonies! I'm trying to help them!" _

_"Shut up!" Andrew's eyes narrowed. "Stop lying you stupid–" Out of the corner of her eye, Relena watched as Preventor raised his gun, aiming at Andrew's chest. He was a rookie, she remembered, and this was his first assignment as a bodyguard. _

_"Don't shoot him!" Heero yelled at the Preventor, but it was too late. The young man had already pulled the trigger. Relena screamed when Heero pushed her down, and landed on top of her, shielding her with his body. She felt a wave of heat envelope them and screamed again as she felt the flames run up her arms, leaving her flesh blistered and agonisingly sore. "I love you," she heard Heero whispering in her ear, his voice harsh, and pain-filled. "I love you." _

_She tried to speak to him, to return the sentiment that she knew he wanted to hear. She wanted to tell him so badly, but she couldn't. Her throat felt like it had closed up, and she couldn't make a sound. "Relena," she looked into his pain-filled eyes, and would have burst into tears if she could at the love that she saw in them. "Do you love me?" He asked her quietly, and his breaths became laboured, and slow.   
  
_

She couldn't answer him, she wanted to, but she couldn't find her voice. She cried out to him in her mind, hoping her thoughts would reach him, but they didn't. He wasn't telepathic. She felt tears running down her face, and it took her a moment to realise that they were hers. He reached up and gently wiped her eyes with the pad of his thumb. "Love me?" He asked again, in a broken tone as the light in his eyes flickered and died.  

Relena looked into his eyes, lost herself in them until the paramedics came. She wanted to cry when they moved his body off of her and helped her up. She wanted to cry when they took him away from her, but found that she couldn't. She watched silently as they took his body away, so burned that it was practically unidentifiable, only his face was unscathed. She was still dry-eyed when Duo rushed in, hugging her to his chest and telling her that everything was going to be all right. But she knew better. He was gone, and nothing would ever be right again. Relena let Duo hold her, suspecting that it was making him feel better to know that she was all right. He must be suffering too, she realised, his best friend had died today. Doctors came and chased Duo away, checking her burns, and asking her questions. She answered their questions absently for what seemed like hours before Wufei came and drove her home. She found that she couldn't walk, so he carried her to her room, placing her on her bed and squeezing her hand reassuringly before making his exit. Still unable to cry, Relena sat there, hugging her knees to her chest. He was gone, and she hadn't said goodbye.  * * * * * 

_//I wear a naked soul, a blank face in the streaming water.// _

Trowa watched Relena as she handled the questions the press threw at her. She answered all of them with skill and grace, and smiled easily at the reporters. No wonder she had won the hearts of the people. She had the sweetest smile and an honest face. She didn't lie to the people like other politicians did. She told them the truth, no matter how precarious that would make her position. 

Someone had mentioned to him once that he would make a good politician because he never gave any emotion away, but he disagreed. To be a successful politician, one needed to be well liked by the people. He wouldn't be able to win them over. His face gave away nothing, it was true, but people did not like blank faces. To them, his face would mean that he was hiding something, no matter that he looked like that all the time. 

No one wanted an emotionless man to lead them; they needed someone who knew how to handle their emotions instead of pushing them away. That's why Relena was the perfect politician. She knew how to handle herself, but lately, he had noticed that she seemed to be going through the motions. She looked tired and worn to him, but no one else noticed. She had looked like that since Heero's death…

Trowa realised that he had been staring at Relena instead of scanning the crowds for danger. Some protector he was. She finished answering the presses questions without incident, and he gazed down at her fondly as she walked off the stage. She looked up at the balcony, and he cursed himself for getting careless. This was the second time that she had seen him! 

"Wait for me," she mouthed to him, and he nodded, not sure if he really would wait. What would he say? She would ask him why he was watching over her, and how could he answer that? Could he? Could he really tell her that he loved her when she was obviously still suffering from Heero's death?

He shivered slightly, and then realised that he was cold. He pulled up the sleeve of his shirt and saw that his arms were covered in goosebumps. Why? He knew that the auditorium couldn't be that cold. He wrapped his arms around himself, and settled in his chair. Why was he so cold? It didn't make any sense. Maybe he wasn't cold. He mused silently. He'd heard that people could get gooseflesh from anticipation. He nodded conclusively, that had to be it. He was waiting for Relena, he smiled slightly, and that would be enough to give anyone goosebumps. 

His smile disappeared when she opened the door to the balcony, stepping through, and closing the door behind her. "No guards?" He asked with an arched eyebrow. 

"I trust you," she replied softly. "You're one of the few people that I trust anymore." She looked at her hands, and he marvelled at her. She was so different from the woman that she had been on the stage. There she had been confident, but here, she was nervous, and kept playing with her hands. "I wanted to thank you for saving me." She said in a low voice, Trowa kept silent, realising that she had more that she wanted to say. "And I want to ask you not to save me again."

_//It is cold in here. Frost scar my coat with dust.//_

Trowa felt like he had been plunged into an ice-cold lake, he shivered slightly, noticing the concerned look on Relena's face, but he ignored it. She wanted to die… He had thought that she was the strong one, and this had shattered his entire perception of her. "I can't do that." He told her quietly, and stood up to walk away, he couldn't handle her confession. He couldn't stand the fact that she wanted to end her life. 

"Why not?" Her question stopped him in his tracks and he turned to face her again. "I want to die, so why won't you let me?" Her hands clenched into fists, and she pounded the balcony railing angrily. "I want to be with him…" 

Trowa sat in the chair beside her. "He wouldn't want you to end your life." He told her sincerely and she thought back on the conversation she'd had with him before he'd died. _Promise me that you will continue living if I die. She opened her hands and looked at them sadly, Trowa was right, but she didn't want to live without him, she had no reason to live without him._

"I know," Relena said softly, looking down at the empty auditorium. "But miss him so much." She turned to face the former pilot. "I loved him, you know." Trowa nodded, swallowing the lump in his throat. She loved Heero, and would never love him. He had known that before, but when he heard the words come from her lips, he felt his heart breaking.

"Then you should honour his sacrifice and live," he told her in broken tones, and she looked at him, concern in her eyes. She said his name, and placed her hand on his arm. Her hand burned his skin like fire, and Trowa pulled away, immediately noticing the hurt look in her eyes and cursing himself for hurting her. "I- I have to go." He said softly, and walked towards the door. 

"Did I do something wrong?" She asked in the same broken tones that he had spoken with before, and his heart broke again for her pain. She had been through so much, she had lost so much, he shouldn't be adding to her sorrows, but he couldn't bear to stay. Loving her, while she loved a ghost, was too much for even the strongest man to take. 

"If anyone is in the wrong, it is me." He replied softly, trying to keep his voice as normal as possible. "I'm sorry if I hurt you, Relena." He said as he walked out the door, trying his best to ignore her muffled sobs.

* * * * *

Trowa had walked around the city for hours, trying to cool his feverish head, but found that no matter where he walked, or what he tried to think about, his thoughts would always return to Relena. He finally gave up and called Quatre. He was sure that his emphatic friend would know what to do. He waited for twenty minutes while a satellite connected him with L4 before Quatre's face popped up on the vid-screen.

"Trowa!" The blonde pilot exclaimed happily. "It's good to hear from you. I haven't talked to you for months." He noted expression in his friend's eyes. "What's wrong Trowa?" He asked quietly. "Is it something to do with Relena?" 

Trowa nodded. "She doesn't love me." He said quietly. "She's still in love with Heero." He felt miserable. How could he compete with the Perfect Soldier? He chided himself for thinking like that. He was making Relena sound like a prize and she was much more than that. 

"Heero's dead." Quatre said gently. "And if she still loves him, then you must not force anything." He smiled sadly at his lovesick friend. "Just be there for her," He advised.  "You never know what might happen. Maybe she doesn't love you now, but feelings can change." 

Trowa gave a small smile to his friend. "Thank-you Quatre." He said, and after saying his goodbyes, he terminated the connection. His mind made up, he pulled his coat tighter around his body, and began the long walk to Relena's mansion. 

He let his mind wander as he walked, drifting back to the war, and the lives that he had ended, in his quest for peace. He would never let himself forget them, and he supposed that it was supposed to be his penance, to live, but never forget. They haunted his dreams in much the same way that Relena haunted his thoughts during the day. He couldn't forget them, just like he couldn't forget her. 

He shook his head slightly, trying to clear it. That was no way to be thinking when he was going to visit her. With an attitude like that, he would ruin any conversation that they might have. Besides, Relena had enough memories to haunt her, she didn't need his added to them. He could understand why she was so torn up over Heero, but he wasn't sure why she was so self-condemning. She had to understand that it wasn't her fault, didn't she? He promised himself to bring it up during his visit. 

_//Eyes attach to your mute portrait. We spoke only through thoughts.//_

Trowa was surprised to find himself in front of Relena's mansion so quickly. He hopped the fence easily, and walked through the garden to her balcony. He climbed the tree, and was about to jump onto her balcony, when he heard a noise and froze. He watched her walk out onto the balcony, mere feet a way from him, and he moved closer to the trunk, trying to blend in with the shadows.  

He watched as she leaned against the railing, looking down in her garden. She was so beautiful. He wanted to talk to her, but he couldn't bear to ruin the moment. The moonlight cast shadows on her pale face. He was close enough to see her eyes, and what he saw there, saddened him. Her eyes had once been so full of life, they'd seemed like they were sparkling, but now, her eyes were dull, dead. He figured that it had been Heero's death that had done that to them.

He had talked to Duo shortly after the bombing, and he'd mentioned that throughout the whole thing, Relena had been dry-eyed. Trowa wondered at that. She was such an emotional person, he would have expected her to cry, but she hadn't. He thought that it might have been better for her to cry; to release her sadness instead of keeping it bottled up inside. 

"Are you angry with me?" Relena asked, and Trowa looked at her in surprise. How had she known that he was here? She couldn't have heard him, he hadn't made any noise, and she hadn't seen him either. So how had she known? "Are you mad at me, Heero?" She was looking up at the stars, and had a dreamy look on her face. 

She smiled softly, and sat on her balcony, swinging her legs over the side. Trowa tensed, remembering their conversation that afternoon. Was she going to try to end her life? He relaxed when she didn't make any move to jump, and looked up at the stars once more. "I shouldn't feel this way, especially not after you –" 

Relena broke off, and her shoulders shook, but no tears came. She hadn't cried since his death, she hadn't been able to cry since his death. What was wrong with her? Wouldn't any woman with half a heart mourn the death of the man she loved? Was she such a horrible person that she couldn't mourn the man who had given his life for hers? She sighed softly. She did mourn him, she thought about him all the time, but she still couldn't cry.

"Trowa," she said softly, she knew he was there. She could feel his eyes on her. "Trowa, you can come out now." She gave a sad smile at the tall pilot as he leaped onto the balcony from the tree that grew nearby it. "Would you like to talk about something?" She asked in the same soft tone, and he nodded. 

"I want to talk about Heero," Trowa began, unsure how to phrase this. "And I want to talk about your feelings about his death." He saw her hands clench around the railing until her knuckles were white, and her eyes narrow into slits. "

"What gives you the right to ask me these things?" She asked angrily. "This isn't any of your business! It doesn't matter what I feel!"

"Yes it does." Trowa replied calmly. It matters more than I can say, he added inwardly. "And I deserve an explanation for your actions earlier." 

Her face crumpled as got down from the railing, standing as far away from him as possible. "You want an explanation?" She asked quietly, her eyes downcast. "What do you want to know, Trowa? Do you want to know how Heero died? Do you want to know why he died?" She looked at him, eyes blazing. "Do you want me to tell you his last words? The way his eyes looked when he died? How much pain he was in?" 

She clenched her hands into fists, and walked slowly towards him. "What do you want?"

"To know what happened." Trowa said simply. "Why are you tormenting yourself with this?" He blinked in surprise when she lunged at him, but made no effort to dodge her. She pounded her fists into his chest, over and over again, and he let her. Her punches weren't hard enough to leave bruises, and he sensed that she needed this. It seemed like hours before she collapsed into his arms, burying her face in his chest as they both sank to the cold balcony floor. 

"I killed him, Trowa." She confessed in broken tones. "It's my fault that he's dead." She felt like she was betraying Heero by sitting in Trowa's lap, and she tried to stand up, but Trowa held her tight, refusing to let go. Relena struggled for a few moments, before giving up and relaxing into his arms. "He told me not to make the speech. He told me that it was dangerous, but I laughed at him. I hit him because he tried to stop me." 

Trowa didn't know what to say, he hadn't known about that. He hugged her tighter, silently urging her to continue. "He was mad at me, but when Andrew stood up, he didn't hesitate at all. When the bomb went off, he protected me with his body. Then-" She broke off for a moment, gathering her courage before she continued. "-He told me that he loved me, and I couldn't say it back. I wanted to, but I couldn't! And then he died, and I- I never got to tell him how I felt, I never got to say goodbye!" Her voice trembled on the last words, and for the first time since Heero's death, Relena burst into tears. 

_//Together we gazed, awaited hours brought thirst and the rising sun.//_

Trowa knew that nothing that he could say would ease Relena's pain, so he sat there, letting her cry against his chest until her eyes ran dry, and her throat was raw from sobbing. Relena lifted her head, still sniffling a bit. "I'm sorry." She said softly as she wiped away the last remaining tears. 

"There is nothing to be sorry for," Trowa assured her. "You needed this, didn't you?" He asked her gently, and she nodded. "It's not your fault that he died. No matter what you decisions you made, he was the one who threw himself in front of you, and I'm sure that he knew that you loved him." He gave a slight smile. "Anyone could see how you felt for him, and Heero didn't miss much." He cupped her chin with his hand, and lifted her head, looking into her eyes. "Don't throw your life away." 

"I made a promise to him," Relena said in a low voice. "I will not break it." Trowa nodded slightly, and tried to stand up, but Relena wrapped her arms around him, effectively stopping him. "Please stay."

Trowa's heart skipped a beat, and he leaned back against the door to her room. He wouldn't leave, he smiled down at her. Quatre was right, if he was there for her, maybe there was chance that she would eventually love him too. He tightened his hold on her, and they both gazed at the stars, revelling in the silence of the night and each other.

* * * * *

_//Sunbirds leave their dark recesses. Shadows gild the archways.//_

Trowa woke up when he felt the warm sun on his face, blinking slowly to clear the sleep from his eyes. Where was he? He wondered sleepily. He looked down at the woman who was leaning against his chest. Relena. The events of last night came crashing back to him, and he smiled contentedly. She had finally let go of her emotions. She had kept them bottled up, and he knew how dangerous that could be. If you stopped acknowledging your emotions, you slowly stopped caring. Until you were unwilling to even make the attempt to live. Trowa knew that feeling. He had gone through that during the war, but Heero had told him to live by his emotions, and Catherine and Quatre had helped him to do it. 

He watched Relena as she slept, brushing a stray hair away from her face. She was beautiful, and she had asked him to stay.  She stirred slightly in her sleep, and he loosened his grasp slightly so she wouldn't wake up. "Heero." She muttered, and buried her face in his chest. "Don't be angry."

Trowa froze, bitterness filling him. He had been a fool to believe that she would come around. He had thought that she had come to terms with Heero's death, but she was still dreaming about him, and it made his blood boil. 

Calm down, you have no reason to be angry with her. He reminded himself. She didn't promise you anything. She just wanted you to stay for the night, and you jumped to conclusions. He knew that was true, but it didn't make him feel any better. He had thought for one wonderful night, that he had been the one she wanted. But she didn't want him, she'd never want him. She was still in love with a ghost.

He wriggled out from under her, picking her up and placing her in her bed. He gave one last longing look at her still figure before going back out onto the balcony, and standing on the railing. "Goodbye," he whispered to the rising sun, and jumped. 

Trowa watched impassively as the ground rushed to meet him, closing his eyes the moment before he hit. The landing was harder than it would have been a year ago, but it was still nothing to the stoic pilot. I'm getting soft, he mused. Or I'm getting old. He didn't know which was worse. 

He hurried away from her balcony, not wanting to be seen leaving her house. The press would have a field day if they knew that he had stayed the night. They would drag her reputation through the mud, but they would boost his. He shook his head angrily. Why would anyone want to hurt her? 

Trowa leaped over the fence, forcing himself to take a deep breath when he landed on the other side. He had to calm down, he wasn't thinking rationally, and that could get him hurt or killed. Before last night she had always been in one corner of his mind during the day, but now she dominated his thoughts. Everything he thought of, inevitably led him back to her. 

He needed to take a break, he needed to get away. He needed to go to a place where he could forget about her… His mind made up, he turned and walked towards the spaceport. He was going to L3 to see the circus. The very thought of his home cheered him up slightly. He was going to visit his sister.

* * * * *

He was there again. He was in her dreams, but it was different this time. It wasn't a memory, she knew that for certain. "Heero?" She questioned, and he turned towards her, a slight smile lighting up his face. She smiled back at him, revelling in the comfort of his presence. "She looked around her, not recognising where they were. "This isn't a memory." She stated. 

"No," Heero shook his head, still smiling. "It's not." He gestured with one hand towards a door, which had appeared only seconds before. "Come with me, Relena." He walked towards the door, and she followed him, clasping his hand in hers. 

"Am I dead?" She asked. "Is that why I'm here with you?" She frowned slightly, when he shook his head. "Then how is this possible?" He didn't answer her he simply pulled her through the door, shutting it behind them. "Heero," she began again, but trailed off when she looked at her surroundings. They were in space. Her mouth dropped open, as she turned a full circle, they were in space and they were surrounded by stars. It felt like she could reach out and touch one. He turned to look at him, and saw that he was smirking. 

"You look like a fish." Heero informed her, and she snapped her mouth shut, glaring at him. He laughed at her expression. "Don't act so offended," he smirked at  her. "You used to say that I looked like I had a stick up my ass the size of a-" 

"Heero," she interrupted him. "How is this-"She gestured at the stars that encircled them. "-possible?" He moved closer to her, wrapping his arms around her, much the same way Trowa had. 

"It's a dream." Heero informed her. "Anything is possible." Relena's face fell, it seemed so real, she had honestly thought that she was with Heero again. "I saw you and Trowa." Heero began,  and Relena gave him a guilty look.

"Heero," she began sadly. "Please don't be mad." She pulled away from him, and prepared  herself to apologise, but he placed his hand on her arm, and shook his head. 

"I'm not angry." He told her sincerely. "I'm actually glad that you found someone to ease your pain." She gaped at him, and his smile returned. "You look like a fish again." Relena smiled back at him, and let him pull her back into his arms. 

"You're not mad?" She asked tentatively. Not sure whether to believe him or not, this seemed too good to be true, and he shook his head again. "Why not?"

"I don't expect you to spend your entire life mourning me." Heero told her gently. "I didn't die so you could live an empty life." She opened her mouth to speak, but he put a finger to her lips, effectively silencing her. "I'm dead, and you won't bring me back by grieving."

"But it's my fault that you died," Relena protested. "I deserve to suffer for what I did."

Heero growled in frustration. Why was she being so difficult? "Do you really want to make amends?" He asked her, and she nodded.

"More than anything." 

"Then be happy," Heero advised her. "More than anything I want you to be happy.. So honour that by not letting grief dominate your life." He pointed behind her, and when she turned, she saw herself. She looked horrible; black circles under her eyes, her skin pale, and her eyes were lifeless. "That is not living," he told her sharply, and she watched as her counterpart shimmered and disappeared. 

"Does Trowa make you happy?" He asked, and she searched for a hint of jealousy in his voice, but found none. Relena nodded mutely. "Then be with him." Heero told her, and watched her eyes light up at his suggestion. His heart lifted when she smiled at him, he really did want her to be happy. 

An idea came to him, and he grinned at her. Taking her hands in his, he leaned his forehead against hers. "Relena?" He began shyly, and she looked up at him in surprise. He had never been this forward when he was alive. "Do you want to go flying?"

* * * * *

//Do not turn your face towards me, confronting me with my loneliness.//  

Relena was euphoric when she woke up. She had to tell him! She had to let Trowa know how she felt! She looked around for him, checking the balcony, and her heart fell when she couldn't find him. Hadn't she fallen asleep in his arms? She asked herself. Then how come she woke up on her bed? Relena came to her conclusions quickly. He had left. She hadn't been what she wanted, so he had left her.

She laughed bitterly at her foolishness. Had she really thought that he wanted to be with her? She was an idiot. Trowa had felt sorry for her, and had comforted her when she needed it. It had been nothing more. She felt anger rising in her, and she reprimanded herself. Don't get angry. It's not his fault. He didn't promise anything, he just stayed the night, and you jumped to conclusions. She knew that it was true, but that didn't make him feel any better. She had thought for one night, for one wonderful night, that she had been the one that he wanted. 

She had bared her soul to him. Released her demons, and he had chased them all away, protecting her from her self-damnation. He had given her a reason to live, but it seemed that she had misinterpreted his interest. He didn't want her. He had proved that when he left.

Relena sat on her balcony, hugging her knees to her chest. She felt like crying, but she couldn't. She felt just like she had before, miserable and alone. She had been so happy, for that short time. She had been so happy with Trowa, and then her dream about Heero had added to her euphoria, but now, her bliss was nothing more than a memory. 

Relena shook her head, she had wasted too much time moping around, she had a proposal to make, and she needed to prepare. She tried her hardest to be firm, but she couldn't stop the strangled sob that escaped her when she got up. Trowa, she thought miserably. Why wasn't I good enough? 

* * * * *

"You just left?" Catherine asked in a frustrated tone, and when her brother nodded, her face fell. "Oh Trowa, how could you?" He gave her a puzzled look, and she sighed softly before continuing. "You had a 'moment'" Catherine explained. "You don't get up and leave after something like that."

"She said his name in her sleep." Trowa said tonelessly. "She was dreaming about him."

"You're acting like an idiot," Catherine told him bluntly. "I can't believe that you did that to her." She said, and began to walk towards her trailer. She glared at Trowa when he grabbed her arm, and tried to wrench herself from his grip. "What do you want me to say?" She asked exasperatedly when he refused to let go.

"Tell me what I did wrong," Trowa replied easily. "I don't understand."

"You don't understand?" Catherine shook her head. "Trowa, how could you not understand?" He didn't answer her, and she looked at him expectantly. "Well?" Frustrated with his silence, she tried to walk away again, but he held her tight, and she frowned at him. "You jumped to conclusions." Catherine's voice settled into a lecturing tone. "You heard her whisper Heero's name, and you left, but she can't control what she dreams about. You can't expect her to stop loving him because you're there." 

She noted the slight frown on his face and laughed. "She could grow to love you, Trowa, but some part of her, will always love Heero. Just like some part of you will always love Midii." She smiled sadly. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have reminded you of her."

"It doesn't matter," Trowa told her firmly, and Catherine pulled herself from his grasp. He looked at her bewilderedly when she grabbed his hand again, and pulled her towards her trailer.  "Cathy, let me go."

"I won't, Trowa." She replied firmly, and opened the door, shoving him inside. "You need to stop bottling up your feelings." She told him, and gestured for him to sit on the bed, as she closed the door. "You told me that Relena was doing this, and it was killing her. Don't let it kill you."

"There is nothing to explain." He assured her. "I don't bottle up my feelings." Catherine looked pointedly at him, but he didn't care. "It's true Cathy, I've accepted Midii's death." His tone told her to stop talking about it, and she eyed him warily.

"All right, Trowa." She said softly. "I just worry about you, that's all. You really seem to love Relena, and I don't want you to get hurt."

He chuckled softly. "You were always trying to protect me, especially during the war. "You stopped me from self-detonating my Gundam, threatened Heero, and risked your life to protect me." He paused, looking into her eyes. "Thank you."

Catherine smiled fondly at him, knowing exactly what he wanted to do. "Go to her," she ordered him softly, and watched him leave her trailer, walking towards the nearest spaceport. "Good luck, Trowa." She whispered to the air. "Don't get yourself hurt."

* * * * *

//You are a forest unknown, the secret orchard.//

Trowa was back in his regular position on the balcony, his eyes lingering on Relena for longer than was necessary. She looked so melancholy, and he wondered if his departure had anything to do with her sadness. He was sure that he had hurt her when he'd left two days ago, and he wanted to make amends, but he was still working up the courage to approach her. 

She seemed to be so far above him, beyond his reach. It was like she was on a pedestal above him, and he didn't like that. He wanted to know her as a person, but he couldn't get past the emotional barriers she kept around her. Whenever she became disoriented or confused, she would slip behind her politician's mask, but he wanted to penetrate that mask, and see who she really was. 

He nearly wanted to sigh with frustration. He couldn't reach her. He thought that he had that night, but now she was colder and more distant than ever. His gaze scanned the room for danger, and he tried to focus on protecting her, but his eyes kept going back to her face. It was like he was afraid that if he looked away, she would disappear. 

//And your voice is vast and achromatic, but still so precious.//

Her voice was dull he noticed, expressing no emotions at all, but it still made his heart beat faster when he heard it. He had missed this, he realised. He had only been gone for two days, but he had missed the sound of her voice, the way she looked on stage, he had missed everything about her. For the first time since he had begun watching over her, he left the balcony, and walked down the stairs, trying to sort out his muddled thoughts. 

He walked backstage and waited patiently until Relena was finished addressing the crowd. She shot him a surprised glance, hiding it quickly behind a mask of indifference. "Relena," he said quietly. "I need to talk to you." 

"We don't have anything to discuss," Relena replied coldly, and her bodyguards exchanged puzzled glances. What had this guy done to make the Vice Foreign Minister so mad that she wouldn't talk to him? She forgave everyone.

"Yes," Trowa gritted his teeth in frustration, and grabbed her shoulder. "Yes, we do Relena." Relena's smile held no warmth as she struggled to pull her arm away from the stoic pilot. "I need to talk to you about what happened two-"

"This is not the place," Relena wrenched her arm away from Trowa's grasp. "Now," she looked at him angrily. "Will you find your own way out, or will my bodyguards be forced to escort you?" She glared at him when he laughed softly. "What's so funny?

"I doubt that they would be able to." Trowa said, still laughing. "Although they are welcome to try." Her bodyguards tensed, ready to handle a confrontation, but Trowa stopped laughing, and stared at Relena, his face serious. "We need to talk," he said again, and this time, she nodded. 

"When?" Relena asked quietly, and when she saw the determined look on his face she sighed, and motioned for him to walk with her. He followed her in silence out to her car, and was surprised when she got into the driver's seat. "What?" She asked at his confused expression.

"You drive?" Trowa said quietly. "I thought that you were chauffeured." He said quietly, realising just how little he knew about this woman. He could still see her in the back of her pink limo, with Pagan driving her everywhere. He wanted to know about her, everything about her, but first he had to get past her barriers and defences. He had to help her come to terms with Heero's death. 

Trowa was sure that the other pilot would not have wanted her to live like this. He would not want her to take no joy from life, to be afraid to reach out to people. This is not why Heero had given his life; it wasn't why Trowa had protected her for so long. He wanted to help her, even if it eventually meant that she would find another, and he would be pushed out of her life. It would hurt, but he loved her enough to let her go if that's what she wanted. 

They drove in comfortable silence. Trowa supposed that with anyone else, this would have been unnerving, but with her, it was natural and calming. He glanced over at Relena, and noticed the distant expression on her face as she concentrated on the road. She was set on ignoring him for as long as she possibly could. He resisted the urge to sigh and stared out the window; two could play at that game.

//Lullaby of the crescent moon took you. Mesmerised, its kaleidoscopic face granted you a hollow stare, another soul within the divine herd.//

Not one word was spoken until they had reached the Dorlian estate, and had gotten out of the car. "So," she began, the irritation evident in her voice. "Where do you want to talk?" Trowa looked at the sky. The moon was waning, and lit the night sky with its soft light. "Trowa?" Relena was about to repeat the question when Trowa mumbled something. "What was that?" 

He turned to her, his green eyes glowing softly in the moonlight. "The balcony." He said softly. "Could we talk there?" Relena was taken aback. The balcony? But that was where they had slept last time! Her shock lasted for only a moment before it was hidden behind her politician's mask. She nodded to him, and led him into her bedroom, and out onto the balcony. 

"What do you want to talk about?" She asked in a detached tone, as she sat on the balcony railing. "I still don't see what we have to discuss." Her tone seemed to lower the temperature by several degrees.

"We have to talk about what happened before." Trowa began, looking at her with his piercing green eyes. 

"You left," Relena interrupted him rudely. "I wasn't what you wanted, so you left me." Her eyes flashed with anger, but her face gave no indication of her mood. "I don't see why we have to bring this up," She said coolly. "I find it embarrassing. I confessed everything to you, and you acted like it was nothing. "

"I'm sorry." Trowa said sincerely. "The reason I left wasn't because I didn't want you." He looked at her, apprehensive about the response that he would get. His reason sounded stupid to him now. "I left because I heard you say Heero's name in your sleep."

Relena was so shocked that she laughed at him, noticing too late the hurt in his eyes. "I had a dream about him," she explained to him. "Was that your only reason?" He nodded, and she smiled at him. She grabbed his hand, and pulled him to the balcony railing, motioning for him to sit with her. 

Trowa vaulted onto the railing, and as he looked up at the sky, he wondered if he would ever be able to explain to her how much he loved the night sky. He glanced at her face and saw that she was staring at the stars just as raptly as he had been. It was strange how they were so different, yet they were so alike. 

//I have kept it, the amaranth symbol, hidden inside the golden shrine until we rejoice in the meadow of the end// 

Trowa found himself paying more attention to her than to the stars, and when she turned to face him, her face bright and happy – so different from how she had looked earlier that day – he couldn't help but smile back at her. He reached over to her, his movements uncertain and clumsy.

He had been with women before, he was not an innocent by any means, but Relena was different. She made everything seem new and different. He slowly moved closer to her, his lips stopping inches from hers, and locked eyes with her. "Relena," his voice was shaky and unsure. "Is this okay?"

She nodded, and pulled him closer to her. Trowa brushed his lips against hers, losing himself in the sensation. It had never been like this before, he had never felt like this before. He could easily picture himself spending his life with her, and could only wish that she felt the same way. He pulled away from her, his breathing shallow, and looked back up at the stars. 

"Trowa?" Relena's voice brought him out of his reverie. "Did I do something wrong?" He shook his head, and smiled at her. "I'm glad." She said softly and got off of the railing. He reached for her, but she pulled away from his hand. "The press will destroy me if they find out that you stayed the night." She said softly, and Trowa knew that she was right.

He got down from the railing, and she escorted him to the door. He wanted to stay, but he wouldn't risk any harm coming to her. He said his goodbyes, and was about to walk out the door when she stopped him. "You will come back tomorrow, right?"

* * * * *

// When we both walk the shadows, it will set ablaze and vanish. Black Rose Immortal.//

Relena could not remember ever being happier than she was now. It had been perfect. The ceremony had been beautiful, and had progressed without any flaws whatsoever. She smiled at Trowa, it had been a wonderful day. He had taken off the jacket of his suit, and had thrown his bow tie across the room.  She was still dressed in her beautiful white gown that she had spent so much time looking for.

"Wasn't it beautiful?" She asked him, and he grinned at her. "I've never been happier." She smiled back at him. "Trowa," she began after a few moments of silence. "You never answered my question." She noted the confused look on his face and laughed. "Wasn't it beautiful?" She repeated. 

Trowa nodded. "Quatre and Catherine will be happy together." He looked at his fiancée wistfully. Had they really been together for five years? He found it hard to believe that time could pass so quickly. "Do you believe in them?" He asked suddenly, and she gave him a strange look. "The wedding vows," he clarified. "Do you believe in being with someone until death do them part?"

Relena smiled at him. "Yes," she told him. "But I don't believe that death is the end." She looked at him, and grabbed his hand, trying to pull him towards the door, but he resisted. "Please Trowa!" She pleaded. "We haven't done this in ages!" 

Trowa returned her smile and allowed himself to be led onto the balcony. "You want to do this in our formal clothes?" He asked incredulously.

"Why not?" She asked him, and he found that he didn't have an answer for her. "They're just clothes." He sat on the floor of the balcony and she sat in his lap, wrapping her arms around him. She looked up at the star-studded sky. "Trowa?" She whispered quietly, but he was already asleep. "I love you," she told him for the first time, smiling slightly at his sleeping form before she resumed looking at the sky.

She smiled sadly when she saw a shooting star fall to earth. She could still picture him there, could still see him flying. She still felt guilty for his death, and she supposed that she always would. Just like she would always love him, but she no longer felt like she couldn't live without him. She gazed down at Trowa, and gazed once more at the starry sky. She had reasons to live now, and she was happy again. Trowa had done that. He had helped her to cope with Heero's death, and had been there for her, even when she had been absolutely horrible.

She missed Heero still. One of the reasons that she loved looking at the night sky was because it always reminded her of him. Trowa knew this, he understood that she needed to do this. She lay her head on Trowa's chest, and let his steady breathing lull her. "Goodbye Heero," she whispered just before sleep claimed her. 

//It is getting dark again, dusk shuffle across the fields. The evening trees moan as if they knew, at night I always dream of you.//

Author's Note: This was a challenge fic by Dark Deity. I took it for fun, and actually really enjoyed writing this pairing. I don't write about Trowa very much, so his character might be a little off, and I didn't really follow the song lyrics *blushes* I just wrote what came into my head when I read them…


End file.
